Sketchy information

Some people have expressed confusion about my gender due to the lies left in notes to Tim-Elvis by my kidnappers last month. I think it was the line "I just can't bear the though (sic) of sharing you with another." Give me a break. Have you seen photos of Tim-Elvis? I imagine this is how the rumors about Tom Cruise got started, too.

Let's set the record straight: I am all male, I'm all monkey and I can mark my territory with the best of them. And let's just say that brass monkey was nothing compared to me, if you catch my drift...nod, nod, nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

Oh, I have my sensitive side as well. In between flinging feces and scratching myself, I enjoy long walks on the beach and quiet conversations by the fire with a good glass of Merlot. But I'm not one of those Metrosexuals or Monkeysexuals or whatever they call well-groomed but masculine types.

When it comes down to it, I'm an animal. Plus I'm a musician (thus the cymbals). The chicks dig it.

So rather than beat a dead horse (or spank a dead monkey), let's suffice it to say that this bad boy is one bad mamba jamba, testosterone laden love monkey.